Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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