I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
