So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
