Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
