Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
