Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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