i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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