I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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