Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
