so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
