My liver just broke up with me...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
