I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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