you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
