And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
