everyone is single if you try hard enough
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
