Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
