why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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