even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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