I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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