yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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