you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
