i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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