is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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