He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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