i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
