Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
