im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize