3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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