Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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