I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
