I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
