Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
