final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
