my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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