I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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