3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
