my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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