i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
