So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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