I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
