So drunk its hurt
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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