i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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