Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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