you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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