also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
