he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
