You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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