i barfeds in our rink
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
