And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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