it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
