my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
