I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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