I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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