i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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