I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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