I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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