Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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