looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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