then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
