ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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