ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
