My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
