she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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