You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
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