Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
